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Jun. 13th, 2013


The day in a life of an Aspiring Photographer

Wow, it has been quite a while since I last posted here.

I'm sorry.

The truth of the matter is that I felt very depressed and that all life's pursuits were folly.  Granted I have felt that way most of my life, but this time it was a crippling sense of self defeat.  The sad part was that it was all External, yet it felt internal.

I picked myself back up - being disgusted with the current course of my life in unhappiness.  So I decided to let the past be the past, and be a bigger, brighter person.  It is hard to pick yourself back up, really.  No matter how much you look back it just lookes worse and worse the further on you get.  It really was a dark and murky phase of my life in the light of getting married.  That day, was an island in a sea of depression.

I have been fighting loneliness ever since I left Los Bastardos, and then Amber Does Dallas ( When we were still calling ourselves Mighty Fine Print. It was also before we found a theater).  I was so accustomed to having a large group of people around me at all times, and having to retreat to my bedroom during the week to simply recharge.  That was the hardest thing to cope with- mourning the loss of those friendships on top of a dead parent.

Friendships are a two way street.  It takes two people to hold it together.  When both people forget to keep in touch, you keep the fond memories, yet wonder how to strike up small talk again.  That and the seemingly resentful people from cast threw me for a loop.  I have always tried to be nice and positive to everyone I meet, and treat them with respect.  It was a cruel, harsh, lesson when those same people turned so quickly back on me.

 Thankfully the best people lived up to my expectations.  I still chat with a few here and there.  They really are some of the best human beings I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  BUT THE OTHERS.

Instead of letting their words and actions get to me, I decided to simply drop them off of my minds "face of the world".  They aren't exactly dead to me, but I no longer invest my emotions into their well or other wise-being.  They can be as rude and nasty as they would like, and they would simply look like a five year old with a hissy fit.

I have gotten off track again. I keep doing that when pensively recording my thoughts.

Photography.  I have been doing it fervently for many years, and have finally accepted it as my "life's pursuit", however I simply arrow it down to "art".  I am now at a phase in my life where I can produce a wonderful product, AND charge for it.  I simply need the funds to make it a legal enterprise before I go any further.  I have the confidence that I can charge a fair price for what I produce, and make a healthy living on it.

Tomorrow really is a brighter day. I am sure of it.  I know there is only one way left to go when you have hit rock bottom.  Up.

Mar. 14th, 2012


Cleaning out my mind

While going through a major overhaul with my Room of Requirement ( multipurpose room to non Harry Potter fans).  I have started the hardest part. ORGANIZATION.  Let's hope I survive the task at hand.

Feb. 13th, 2012


Мои твиты


Feb. 10th, 2012


Musings for the new year

Everytime I stop and think about my depression, it is like I am trying to give myself a pep talk. I'm tired of it, but I don't want to be sad either. The St. John's wort I'm taking IS HELPING, but I still have to do my part and not rely on homeopathic medications to solve all of my problems. SO Here's to be pretending it is FESTIVUS, and I will air all of my grievences - although they will all be about me.

  • 1. I obsess over a couple extra pounds I am carrying. I'm still skinny, yet I dress like I am in mourning of my old figure. Progress is being made. I need to accept I cannot change this no matter how many sit ups I am doing.

  • 2. I'm a girl. I have the right to wear dresses, wear makeup and love buying things. SPEND SOME MONEY ON YOURSELF! YOU HAVE VALUE! BUY NEW CLOTHES! You are still wearing things from your Rocky days. Get off your ass and get a new wardrobe. GET A HAIRCUT and TRY A NEW STYLE!

  • 3. BE SOCIAL. You have changed a lot, now that you are not needy for love and desperate to find someone to love you. YOU HAVE IT - get to know the new you through other people. You have a few friends you can be more social with. Yes, it is the pagan group - but meet outside of pagan group activities. Didn't you go to the Church( Goth club) every Thursday night before you got married??????

  • 4. You are a good person. Why are you afraid to have nice things? Do you think you don't deserve them? GET OVER YOURSELF and enjoy having nice things around you.

  • 5. Some other thing. ( forgot what it was when I started this number...)

  • </li>

A good way of going about this is to make a self plan - like a buisness plan, except I wont be trying to change myself - just accept myself for what I have become.

Feb. 1st, 2012


My tweets


Jan. 25th, 2012


"No, I just felt like killing..."

Finally finished the watercolor and line work for the book cover I was creating. Nothing very interesting otherwise though.

Jan. 21st, 2012


Мои твиты


Saturday already

Time flies.

I have been missing performing weekly. For six years I did live theater ( Rocky Horror & Preshows). I just miss it so much. I talked to my online firend and Burlesque star Bombshell Bettie Field, and she is going to see if she knows anyone in the DFW area that would be willing to take me under thier wing. It would be good for confidence and getting reaclimated to my body. In the past I was used to my only curvy portion being my rear... now that I am topheavy - I don't know how to move my body in a flattering way with them. SO, having someone train me a little would not be a bad idea.

I also feel like I need a refresher course in performing since it has been four years or so since I have stood up in front of a crowd. I know I still have what it takes, but I just have to remember it.

It is amazing how caring for someone you love while they are dying that completley voids your mind of who you were before that situation. I had to convince myself I was still in my twenties. My mind assumed I was fourty years old and about to go into menopause. I understand situations like that age you, but the problem was that it was making me waste my youth. My biological clock was going off, thinking I have only a few years left of being fertile, and it was now or never.

I graduated high school ten years ago, and it feels like two years. I still have fifteen years left of being fertile. THERE IS NO RUSH.

BUT - it took a long while and a lot of work to remind myself of where I was in life. The good news is that I feel I am getting back on track. It is an understatment to say that I have matured because of this, and thus making me a much better student to perform again... even though I didn't Mature - I aged.

Another positive turn of events is how I used to behave as a youthful performer. I can look back and see the naive and lovesick child who thought if she put herself out there, she just might find love... well, surprisingly - I did. BUT I was lucky I found quality. I could have very easily have settled for someone who did not deserve me. I got very lucky there.

So now that I no longer have the unquenchable need to be loved by someone, I could take performing to an entirely different level now that I am blissfully married. I am happy now... I'm no longer chasing that happiness.

So, here's hoping things fall the way they should. However that may be.

As far as the art side of my world is concerned, on top of my personal art, and the children's book I am illustrating. I was picked up to do a novel cover. I should begin technical drawings of it Monday and watercolor soon after that. By the end of the week it will be sent in, and hopefully be in every bookstore nationwide. That would be awesome. If not, I am still pleased.

Jan. 10th, 2012


Time for thinking ( Client has no spellcheck, sorry)

With little internet work comingin, and having a lot more art to focus on you end up thinking. Thinking on about the what if's ansd other musings. I know I am lucky. So far my husband and I managed to afford our half of a wedding and find a way to stay current on bills durring this tough economic time. People out there have a much more difficult time at it. We've even added a mouth to feed in the form of a kitten, at a time when many people had to give up thier pets because they could not feed them. For this, I count my blessings.

This also tears at my heart at the same time. I would like to help and pay it forward.

Today I was catching up on a friends livejournal - since I have been too preoccupied with my fathers passing. I am now able to resume my life more efficeintly than before.

Okay, back on track... I was reading my friends journal, and the hard time she is having in life right now. She moved to houston for a relationship - and I miss her terribly. The good news is she is more in love than she could have imagined. It's about time she got the love she deserved. ITS ABOUT TIME. She is a great person who deserved far more than she was getting beforehand.

Anyway, she was having a hard go at it with her landlord - er SLUMLORD in all honesty... and demanding MORE RENT. urgh. BAD JU JU!

SO, she was contemplating leaving it all, but decided to stick it out in houston. I reminded her that she had another option; my place. Granted I would still have to run it by Dustin and Mom, the concensus would be an okay based on the criteria. Then I began daydreaming about the prospect. I have not let myself daydream about something trivial in a long time...

I imagined being a good friend and driving down to Houston and loading all of her worldly possessions into Dustin and I's car, driving back talking about how she would not need to pay rent - just keep me company and startup her dreams... the both of us sharing a table at conventions selling our wares. Me selling my art and random crafting and sewing endeavors while she sold her sperm necklaces. ( She actually would make a single sperm - large scale of course- out of polymer clay and turn them to necklaces and earrings.) Then I would help her get back into school just in time for me to go back to school as well. All I would ask of her would be to keep me company while Dustin was at work - and keep my artistic mind on track.

If she chose to work, the store she currently works at could transpher her to the location five minutes away from my home... how nice it would be... We'd even find a way to get her a futon in the 'Room of Requirement' a.k.a my art/ office/craft/sewing/library room.

But the truth of the matter was, in order to have all of this she would have to first be in the unhappy position of her relationship not working out. There is no way I would want her relationship to end. She is so happy, and I only want the best for her, so no matter how great it would be for us to find a way to make my scenario work- I would never want it at that cost. I am proud to call her a friend and help her out if or when she needs it, the best I can.

Dec. 31st, 2011


Obligatory end of the year post

Okay so 2011 is winding down, and there is nothing original left to say.

I wanted to end the year on a high note, so I had my creative time. I wrote a short artistic/experimental film based on my impressions on moving to a new country as a young child. Pretty deep stuff actually. I threw out my usual conventions of shying away from what is painful or considered controversial. It will be easy enough to make the film. It should be no longer than five or ten minutes. A four hour film schedule should be sufficient.

Then for a little while I went to the local flea market by my house ( Trader's Village), with my friend Bri and Rob, and their two kids. This was actually really nice. I got some fresh air, and I got to spend time with my friemds outside.

It was a short excursion, but is was a llot of fun!

Now I'm typing this in bed, waiting for Dustin to get home from the Liquor store- while watching the Big Bang Theory Marathon on TBS, all the while nursing a cough. A cough that came out of nowhere yesterday... but still annoying.

I part with 2011, in the hopes for improvement in my life and those close to me in the coming year, like most people. Enjoy your new year responsibly, and avoid getting hurt out there.

Signing off.

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