The truth of the matter is that I felt very depressed and that all life's pursuits were folly. Granted I have felt that way most of my life, but this time it was a crippling sense of self defeat. The sad part was that it was all External, yet it felt internal.
I picked myself back up - being disgusted with the current course of my life in unhappiness. So I decided to let the past be the past, and be a bigger, brighter person. It is hard to pick yourself back up, really. No matter how much you look back it just lookes worse and worse the further on you get. It really was a dark and murky phase of my life in the light of getting married. That day, was an island in a sea of depression.
I have been fighting loneliness ever since I left Los Bastardos, and then Amber Does Dallas ( When we were still calling ourselves Mighty Fine Print. It was also before we found a theater). I was so accustomed to having a large group of people around me at all times, and having to retreat to my bedroom during the week to simply recharge. That was the hardest thing to cope with- mourning the loss of those friendships on top of a dead parent.
Friendships are a two way street. It takes two people to hold it together. When both people forget to keep in touch, you keep the fond memories, yet wonder how to strike up small talk again. That and the seemingly resentful people from cast threw me for a loop. I have always tried to be nice and positive to everyone I meet, and treat them with respect. It was a cruel, harsh, lesson when those same people turned so quickly back on me.
Thankfully the best people lived up to my expectations. I still chat with a few here and there. They really are some of the best human beings I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. BUT THE OTHERS.
Instead of letting their words and actions get to me, I decided to simply drop them off of my minds "face of the world". They aren't exactly dead to me, but I no longer invest my emotions into their well or other wise-being. They can be as rude and nasty as they would like, and they would simply look like a five year old with a hissy fit.
I have gotten off track again. I keep doing that when pensively recording my thoughts.
Photography. I have been doing it fervently for many years, and have finally accepted it as my "life's pursuit", however I simply arrow it down to "art". I am now at a phase in my life where I can produce a wonderful product, AND charge for it. I simply need the funds to make it a legal enterprise before I go any further. I have the confidence that I can charge a fair price for what I produce, and make a healthy living on it.
Tomorrow really is a brighter day. I am sure of it. I know there is only one way left to go when you have hit rock bottom. Up.